Courtesy of JaneyEnglish http://janeyenglish.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/so-you-wanna-be-a-suicide-bomber-72-things-to-consider-before-you-blow-edl-casualsunited-islamfail/

Before embarking on their one off explosive career as a Shahid, and expecting 72 virgins as a reward for blowing up a hospital or whatever for allah, here are some questions that the wannabe Islamic martyr should ask themselves.  

• 1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
• 2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
• 3) If he’s gay, does he get male virgins?
• 4) What if he’s celibate? What does he get?
• 5) What if he hasn’t reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
• 6) If he’s bi, does he get 36 of each?
• 7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
• 8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-douze?
• 9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
• 10) What if he’s ugly or smells bad and the virgins don’t want anything to do with him?
• 11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
• 12) Is there an age of consent?
• 13) When they’re deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they “born again”?
• 14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
• 15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
• 16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they’re not satisfied?
• 17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
• 18) What if the bomber’s into animals? Does he get accommodated?
• 19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
• 20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
• 21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
• 22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
• 23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
• 24) If he’s a Catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
• 25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
• 26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
• 27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond’s home run record?
• 28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
• 29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn’t go off?
• 30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
• 31) If she’s a lesbian, do they “convert” the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
• 32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
• 33) If so, are there 72 available?
• 34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
• 35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
• 36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
• 37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
• 38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
• 39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine’s Day?
• 40) If he’s monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
• 41) What if he doesn’t like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
• 42) Eternity is long, and eventually he’ll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
• 43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
• 44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbour’s virgins?
• 45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
• 46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she’s unhappy?
• 47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks “Does this Burka make me look fat?”
• 48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
• 49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
• 50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn’t know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
• 51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
• 52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
• 53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
• 54) Wouldn’t it be interesting if they’re virgins because they’re ugly?
• 55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like, 1 virgin from every culture?
• 56) Wouldn’t it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
• 57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
• 58) When he gets home, does he have to say “How was your day?” to all 72 virgins?
• 59) Do they have counselling for sex addiction in paradise?
• 60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
• 61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
• 62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
• 63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
• 64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
• 65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
• 66) What if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put the bomber together again?
• 67) Is “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” a valid excuse in paradise?
• 68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
• 69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
• 70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you’re dead?
• 71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
• 72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets????