How many different types of Christian does it take to change a lightbulb?
• Charismatics: Just one … Our hands are already in the air.
• Pentecostals: 10 … One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
• Presbyterians: None … The lights will go on and off at predestined times.
• Roman Catholics: None … We use candles only.
• Baptists: At least 15 … One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
• Episcopalians: Three … One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
• Mormons: Five … One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
• Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
• Methodists: Undetermined … Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
• Nazarene: Six … One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
• Lutherans: None … We don’t believe in change.
• Amish: What’s a light bulb?
The Rabbi and The Priest Compare jobs
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork isn’t it?”
The Angel Gabriel and the Prophet Mohammed
The angel Gabriel comes down to earth in modern Saudi and lands at the grave of the prophet Mohammed.
‘Mo, Mo’ he shouted at the grave.
‘Mo, Mo, wake up you idle bastard’
Mohammed woke up shook off the soil from his grave and faced Gabriel
Gabriel said to Mohammed. ‘Look Mo, I made a terrible error when I helped you put together your Koran thing’
‘What error? Said Mohammed.
‘Well, when I said that the Shaheeds would get 72 virgins in paradise as a reward for martyrdom, I made a mistake in what I said’
‘What mistake?’ said Mohammed
Gabriel said: “ It should have said ONE 72 year old virgin. I hope I haven’t caused you any problems’
Well, it is going to cause a few issues but I’m sure it will all be sorted out, inshallah.’ said Mohammed
‘Oh thanks’ Gabriel added sheepishly: ‘There was one other error I’ve got to put my hands up to as well. You are really NOT going to like this, it’s a biggie’
‘Why’ asked Mohammed
‘Well I was going to tell you about healthy eating and about fruit and stuff’ Said Gabriel ‘you know the sort of things that you need to know when on a long journey going to battle after all you don’t want to get scurvy’
‘So, you left out a lecture on the importance of the ‘five a day’, no harm done. And about the virgin thing, I understand, anyone can make a mistake’ Said Mohammed
Well’, said Gabriel ‘I had a bad night before on the wine with that Noah geezer and that bit in the Koran about ‘keep killing the Jews’, it should have said ‘keep drinking your juice’.
It’s not all about Islam
People sometimes say that I spend all my time bashing Islam. I take offence at that. My next post is to be entitled ‘Buddah is a big fat bastard’
Sources of Jokes where the source has not been lost in the ether.
http://judaism.about.com/library/2_humor/bldef-joke_priestrabbi.htm
Shamelessly stolen from Darth Meerkat:
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, Abdullah says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’! There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’! There’s a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’! And me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me, ‘The Fucking Arab’.”
Nice one.
What about this one?
Question: If I have a Qu’ran in my right hand and a copy of Mein Kampf in the other what am I ?
Answer: The entire stock of a top Islamic library.
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Here’s another good one from jokelibrary.net
A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a lawyer were traveling from
Chicago to Los Angeles when their car broke down late one
night in Kansas. They walked to the nearest farm house and
explained their situation to the farmer who answered the door.
“Ya’ll be welcome to spend the night here if you want”, the
farmer said. “The only problem is I only have room for two.
One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
“No problem,”chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the
desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the
barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn
and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer
opened the door. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.
He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn it’s not kosher for me, my
faith believes that is an unclean animal.”
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few
minutes later the same scene. There is a knock on the door.
“What’s wrong?” the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your
helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my
country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep with the
sacred cow!”
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He
grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments
later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there
stood the pig and the cow.
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Question: Why are there no followers of Islam on the Starship Enterprise.
Answer: Because the series is set in the future.
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Jimmy Savile and followers of the Prophet Mohammed walk into a children’s home…
No it’s not a joke it’s from a report of current police enquries.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Rabbi#ixzz2AE2bSZGe