Here’s the first draft of what might be the latest Lib Dem membership form as leaked from the nest of the Yellow Peril Bird.

Because of recent events within the party it has been decided that the party will collect more information from members about certain areas of their identity or lifestyle. The Lib Dems assure their members that this is being done purely for diversity and equality reasons and not because the party itself has forgotten just how many of its members and officers were people who you wouldn’t buy a used car off and who would definitely be off of the babysitting list.

This is what could be in the new Lib Dem membership form.

“First the new amended section on Gender

c Male

c Female

c Transgender

c Don’t know

c What answer do you want?

New Disability questions

c Physical disability

c Sensory disability

c Other disability

c Catastrophic Psychiatric problem (includes problems such as compulsive dishonesty, Sociopathy and previous membership of the Lib Dems)

And the amended Sexuality section

c Hetrosexual

c Homosexual

c Bisexual

c Prepared to lie about it if advantageous, or if safe seat comes up.

c Not telling

c Paedophile

c Ephebophile

c Pederast

c Coprophile

c Zoophiliac

c Non-sexuality specific sex-pest

Extra lifestyle questions

Do you have a criminal record

c Yes

c No.

c Not saying.

c Yes, but I haven’t been caught yet.

c Yes, but the offences happened in the Far East.

c    My wife looks after my criminal record for me.

Are you a person of probity, honesty, sober habits and of sound mind? Remember a ‘No’ to this answer will mean that you will fit in fine with the Lib Dems.

cYes

cNo