Dear Sir or Madam

I am a whelk stall situated somewhere in the United Kingdom. As a whelk stall, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about rumours that Jeremy Corbyn may be running me at some point. I keep hearing such phrases as ‘that Jeremy Corbyn couldn’t run a whelk stall’ or ‘Corbyn’s next job will be running a whelk stall’.

This is extremely worrying for me and all the other whelk stalls in the British Isles. The prospect of such a monumental failure as Jeremy Corbyn running any of Britain’s whelk stalls is a matter of great concern for us. We are worried that having Jeremy Corbyn running all or indeed any of Britain’s whelk stalls could spell the death of Britain’s whelk stall industry.

Although none of the products sold on Britain’s whelk stalls are particularly Kosher, not having fins and scales and all that, nevertheless it is exceedingly worrying that someone who supports the Jew hating nutjobs of Hamas should have anything to do with the supply of whelks or other crustacean related products. It’s not just bad for the image of whelk stalls to have Jeremy Corbyn in charge of them but bad for just about any other industry or organisation. After all, just look what Corbyn has done to the Labour Party. He has turned it from a democratic party, capable of running the country, into a rest home for unelectable Trots unable to take advantage of utter disarray among their opponents.

I have consulted with my colleagues on the cockle stall, the prawn stall and the dubious ‘crab’ stick stall and we are unanimous that none of us want Jeremy Corbyn anywhere near our industries. The various trade organisations for on-street seafood products have suggested that Mr Corbyn is kept well away from any seafood related areas as Mr Corbyn is as about as welcome as Norovirus on a cruise ship.

There may however be an opening for Mr Corbyn in some other industry should he be forced to step down as leader of the Labour Party. I have put out some feelers and although he was turned down as a supermarket shopping trolley collector, other avenues may be open to him. Needless to say the brewing industry would not want him, obviously he would be unable to organise any kind of piss-up. I’ve had a good response from Amalgamated Union of Semi-Professional Dog Poo Collectors who tell me that there may be a very junior ‘dog poo painter and highlighter’ position for him in their St Kilda branch. Although this island is a significant distance from mainland UK, I have been reliably informed that former members of the Shadow Cabinet would have few objections to Mr Corbyn undertaking dog poo collection related activities there.

I stress again that Mr Corbyn is completely unfit to run a whelk stall and is completely unwanted in this area.

I remain your obedient servant

Mr A. Whelk-Stall