A government spokesman has admitted that one of the major concerns about Brexit from those inside government is one that has not before today 21^stMarch 2019, been properly put before the public. Apparently there is a looming cake crisis on the horizon that is going to be caused by the Spanish refusing to sell any of their wheat, oats, barley or sesame seeds to the United Kingdom both as a way of punishing Britons for Brexit and to put pressure on Britain to hand over Gibraltar to the Spanish government.

The UK government spokesman, an agricultural advisor named Mr Haman Taschen, told a group of journalists gathering at Westminster Hall that the Spanish actions would have such a devastating effect on the British cake industry that there is now no alternative but to cancel Brexit altogether. Mr Taschen said: ‘The cake situation will be terrible. All cakes will disappear from the shelves virtually overnight with small triangular hat shaped cakes being the worst affected.’ Mr Taschen added: ‘We will lose cakes for at least a generation and not even imposing World War II style food rationing will stop that happening’.

A member of the Progressive Union of Radical Independent Masterbakers, Ms Esther Persia expressed horror at what these restrictions will do to the currently thriving British cake industry. ‘All our members will be out of work, there will be nothing for them’. She added that not since the days of Margaret Thatcher in the 1980’s has one particular industry been hit so hard by one particular policy government policy. ‘Cake is the lifeblood of Britain and has been for centuries’ she added and cited the great many historical occasions when cake had played a major part in Britain’s development as a nation. She regaled us with the story of King Alfred being so consumed with his worries that he let a poor woman’s cakes burn and told us how tactical utility cakes that were sent with the troops during D Day were so hard that they could be hurled at the Germans in lieu of weapons. ‘Cakes represent Britain and a Britain with no cakes will no longer be Britain’ Ms Persia said.

There are already signs that mass protests are building up over the looming cake crisis with protesters, some from the Left and some from the Right, gathering at Westminster to call for strong action against the Spanish and the return of Britain’s great cake making tradition. This blog’s reporter spoke to a Jewish Briton wearing a yellow vest and a West Ham United kippah outside of the Houses of Parliament about the cake crisis and he said: ‘I’m not here to protest, I’m an electrician here to fix the lighting in Theresa May’s office as she’s complaining that she can’t see the faults in her EU deal, but I am worried about a lack of cake’. Other people were there to protest however and there was a palpable anger among the protestors about the forthcoming lack of cakes. One protestor whom the reporter spoke to expressed concern that her favourite cake company, Mr Kipling, may be forced to diversify and fill their cake boxes with salad instead of cake. He said: ‘Mr Kipling makes extremely good salad doesn’t have the same ring to it as ‘Mr Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes’ does it?’

Another protestor claiming to be a member of the Flat Earth movement blamed a shadowy cabal of New World Order types and NASA for strangling Britain’s cake culture. ‘If only we’d accepted the truth that the Earth is flat then this cake crisis would never have happened’, he wibbled. A third protestor started screaming about the Rothschilds and how they had started out by cornering the market in triangular cakes in the 18^th century and had used their power to create a ‘cake genocide’ with the aim of stopping anyone in the world ever having access to any sort of cake. The protester carrying a placard saying ‘Lord Rothschild stole my cake’ expressed his belief that a Rothschild cake based conspiracy was behind everything that has gone bad in the world from the Russian Revolution to the Vietnam War protests. There were also protesters present from an Orange Order Lodge in Northern Ireland who didn’t say much to our reporter, but who insisted that they will not move until the government promise to put Protestant cakes on Protestant tables.

The government has been forced into a terrible position here. They are faced with having to govern a Britain which can expect no cakes for at least two generations or to abandon Brexit. Mr Taschen said that enslaving ourselves to the European Union was a small but regrettable price to pay for the continued supply of cakes and other baked fancies to British tea tables. As Mr Taschen exited Westminster Hall leaving behind a bunch of stunned into silence journalists, he was heard to say ‘Happy Purim’ to everyone

 

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Please note: None of the above story is true. What is true however is that today is the Jewish festival of Purim where it is customary to engage in ‘April Fools’ style jokes. There will be no cake crisis and Mr Haman Taschen and others are just a figment of an imagination fuelled by too much Purim wine and a surfeit of Hamantaschen cakes.

Happy Purim to all this blog’s many Jewish readers.