Time I think for the palette cleanse of something I hope you will find amusing. It’s a tiny playlet called The Religion Shop.

Scene 1

The interior of the ‘Religion Shop’ situated just off the main shopping street in a small English country town

In this shop you can buy all sorts of religions at varying prices from Quakerism for a few pennies right through to a fully loaded ancient Egyptian afterlife cult, which will set you back lots (them pyramids don’t come cheap you know). On offer in this exclusive emporium are religions based around both monotheism and polytheism and religions without deities. There’s religions that you have to dress up for and religions which don’t care if you appear like an unkempt tramp.

Most of the customers of the Religion Shop seem to be fairly satisfied with their purchases as the shop goes out of its way to help the customer to choose the correct religious path for them. Those who choose Calvinism for example are told that the customer can’t be saved by good works as everything is predestined by the Almighty and those who purchase Judaism are also told that this faith comes complete with 2000+ years of oppression by others.

But not every customer of the Religion Shop are completely satisfied. There are unhappy customers such as this one.

Doorbell goes (ring ring)

Customer enters shop

Shopkeeper to Customer

Oh hello, I remember you, were you not in here last month? Yes I do I remember you. You came in in quite a hurry and purchased an entry level Religion of Peace.

Customer

Hello. Yes it’s about this Religion of Peace that you sold me that brings me back.

Shopkeeper

I see. Are you wanting some additional features for your Religion of Peace like some Sufi mysticism?

Customer

No I’m here to complain about this Religion of Peace that you sold me

Shopkeeper

Why? What’s wrong with it?

Customer

Well, although it is described as a Religion of Peace, it doesn’t seem to be all that peaceful.

Shopkeeper

In what way?

Customer

Well, it’s randomly violent and hateful and cannot be reasoned with. Look, the other day I took my Religion of Peace down to the pub to show it off to my mates and it started screaming about beer being Haram and threatened to kill the barmaid. I tried everything I could think of to calm down my Religion of Peace including appeasing it by promising it I’ll never take it to the pub again and giving it a dole cheque to eat but it was all to no avail I just had to get the Religion of Peace out of the pub as quickly as possible. This Religion of Peace got me barred from my local and I’m no longer welcome there.

Shopkeeper

I’m so sorry to hear that you are having some problems with your Religion of Peace but to be fair you did make your purchase very swiftly and you didn’t allow me enough time to talk you through your purchase of a Religion of Peace.

Customer

But it said ‘Religion of Peace’ on the tin. Surely that means that this Religion of Peace is actually peaceful?

Shopkeeper

But ‘religion of peace’ is what those who packed the tin call it. It’s not meant to be taken literally. The people packing this shop’s religion products often don’t understand what they are packing. If you had waited and let me explain your purchase before you purchased it then you would have understood that Religion of Peace is just a brand name which has no connection to the nature of the contents.

Customer

Oh no. That’s awful. I finally chose to buy this Religion of Peace because some nice man on the BBC told me that it would be an asset for my home.

Shopkeeper

I’m so sorry but the BBC tend to say nice but untrue things about the Religion of Peace on a regular basis. Its why you should have let me explain about the Religion of Peace before you purchased it as the BBC is not entirely accurate when it comes to the subject of the Religion of Peace.

Are you having any other problems with your Religion of Peace apart from threatening death to bar staff?

Customer

Yes loads. I can’t take it on trains or buses because it shouts out Allah hu Akbar all the time and scares other passengers. I can’t even take it to the local shopping centre as it insists on wearing a sweating backpack to go there which means none of the shops will let me in with it.

I also went up to London by car recently to see my old mate Monty in Stamford Hill and I had to turn back because as soon as I arrived, the moment I got it out of the car it started shouting “Khaybar, Khaybar, Ya Yahud, jaish Muhammad soufa ya’oud” at random Jews. It was terrible. I really didn’t expect my Religion of Peace to hate Jews like that and threaten them with death in this manner. That’s not what the nice BBC man, nor what my employer’s Diversity Officer told me would happen. They both told me that a Religion of Peace was a good thing to have.

Shopkeeper

If you had stayed for the advice from me rather than just picking up a Religion of Peace off the shelf, paying and then dashing off then you would not be in this position, you would have understood the inherent issues with the challenging breed that is the Religion of Peace and maybe made a better more suitable religious choice. It’s not my fault that you picked up a Religion of Peace without checking what owning a Religion of Peace actually entailed. Are you having any other problems with your Religion of Peace apart from the Jew hatred, the death threats, the aggressive war cries and the need for sweaty backpacks?

Customer

Yes I am having a few other problems. I tried to enter my Religion of Peace at the National Religion Show and they told me that they could not accept my entry due to the danger of a Religion of Peace going rogue and sexually assaulting the other religions. If that wasn’t bad enough I find that my Religion of Peace is soiling my home. It’s shitting out postal votes for the Labour party quicker than I can clear them up, it’s an awful mess, sooner or later my home is going to look like the London Borough of Newham complete with 100% Labour Party / Religion of Peace governance and the odour of extremist religious activity and support among the populace.

Please shopkeeper can you help me.

Shopkeeper

I’m sorry but we don’t normally do returns or repairs. The shop is quite clear on its policy, we state in that big notice over there that we do not repair or replace faulty religions. You bought it now you own it. Forever.

Customer

But can’t you exchange this Religion of Peace for something similar but less dangerous say for example the Aga Khan’s Ismailis or the Ahmadiyya or ex followers of the Religion of Peace? Am I really stuck with this mainstream Religion of Peace?

Shopkeeper

I’m afraid you are. When you purchased your Religion of Peace you also agreed to appease it, feed it and provide it with whatever it demanded.

Customer

Breaks down sobbing

Shopkeeper

There there don’t cry. It is an easy mistake to make thinking that Religion of Peace written on the tin meant that there was a Religion of Peace inside the tin. But you should have listened to me and not blindly purchased your Religion of Peace without considerable thought.

Customer

Still sobbing in a heap on the floor.

Shopkeeper

Look I’m feeling a little sorry for you and besides that your tears are making the shop’s lino all slippery and that will get me in trouble with the local council, so I’ll try to compromise. Although we don’t normally take back religions if you help me out I’ll swap it for something else I’ve got back out in the stockroom. Just help me put the muzzle on this here Religion of Peace and if we can get it sealed back in the tin we can swap it for something less dangerous.

Shopkeeper and Customer then spend a considerable amount of time and incur several nasty injuries whilst muzzling the Religion of Peace and getting it back in its tin.

Shopkeeper and Customer together

Phew!

Customer

I didn’t realise how difficult it was to get a Religion of Peace back in its tin.

Shopkeeper

It was a bit of a job wasn’t it? I’m glad I didn’t have to resort to the Crusade Mk 10 device, it can get a bit messy a Crusade can. I feel I should try everything else before resorting to a Crusade.

Customer

Well that’s over with and I’m happy to see that Religion of Peace back in its tin.

Now about what you are swapping this Religion of Peace for. It is less dangerous than a Religion of Peace isn’t it?

Shopkeeper

Of course it is. It’s an XL Bully dog and it’s guaranteed to kill less people in any one year than a Religion of Peace does and its shit is just shit not postal votes for the Labour Party.

Customer

Thank you so much for being so understanding. What a lovely dog, my kids will absolutely love it.

Customer leaves shop with XL Bully on a very very strong lead.